Listening and communication are such big parts of what we are experiencing right now.
Improving our communication skills increases our connection.
If you're feeling disengaged right now, it may be cos we're not communicating effectively right now.
None of us expected this pandemic.
It's a great opportunity to improve our communication skills
Presence is something we struggle with in communication:
"We don't have a retention problem, we have an attention problem"
We don't forget stuff, as such, we are just not present in the conversation in the first place.
We have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason:
We should listen more than we speak.
You cannot truly connect with someone unless you listen.
We can easily spot what we do wrong:
If we don't, it becomes harder to correct our behaviour
These are 4 mistakes we make:
Mistake 1: We reflect everything onto ourselves:
If someone says "I'm thinking of X", we say "Oh yeah! I'm going through something similar as well!"
We do this as a means to connect - but it hinders our ability to listen
When someone talks about this with us, they want to be understood
Being relatable could help with this feeling of being understood - but it should not be premature.
If you are going to have this response:
1. Make sure it's not from ego
2. If it's from am empathetic place, articulate that - "Hey, I hear you and I'm listening. I've been through something similar and maybe that could help us both have this conversation."
The best thing you can give someone at the time they talk about stuff is time.
Takeaway - when you are going to share your response of empathy, explain why you're sharing that response and why it's relevant
For challenging situations, sometimes just listening and not giving a response is the best course of action.
Mistake 2: We don't listen to understand, we listen to reply
The best conversations are the ones that are in the moment - cos you ask the questions that are most relevant - things you actually want to hear, rather than a pre-rehearsed question etc.
You can always prepare (you must for meetings!)
but a pre-rehearsed/just a reactive statement that isn't actually listening stops you from having the moment
We're so scared of having a moment of silence.
In a conversation, we're always trying to fill the gaps.
So, we're not listening, we're thinking about what to talk about next
Takeaway: Listen to really understand
Explain to the other person first what we understood:
Repeat back what you think they said - "Hey, I just wanna quickly summarize what I think I heard from you to make sure."
There are a number of wins with doing this:
You show that you were actually listening
When you articulate it, you give them the opportunity to make sure they are articulating themselves appropriately
You get to clarify what you're both trying to do in that relationship - and you really make the other person feels understood.
Mistake 3: We all try to be Google
Like when Google auto-fills your search - we try to finish someone else's sentences and get it wrong
People try to complete our sentences and get it wrong, cos they're not actually listening
When you're trying to predict something someone is going to say you're putting them into a box - in line with what everyone else thinks and says.
How do you listen to each question like it's the first time you've heard it and answer it genuinely:
Even if you've answered a question a thousand times, for the person asking, it's the first time they've asked
It's a fresh experience.
It's not a recycled answer that's going to work.
Each person's particular flavor of that problem may be unique.
Predicting sentences means your mind is running ahead, while that person is seeking clarity.
That makes them feel:
unheard,
like you're not listening,
like you're disengaged.
When you're focused and someones trying to get your attention, it's so important to say things like: "Hey! I really value you, but just give me a few minutes to finish this off and I'll be with you" -
rather than snapping back or
Trying to be the great person trying to help and then getting frustrated in the process.
Takeaway: recognize that each person sharing something is sharing something unique.
Listen deeply and completely before answering.
Every time you're distracted or focused on something and someone wants your attention, listen to them, but explain to them
If they're upset with that explanation, you've done your best
When you're listening, it's about doing your best
Mistake 4: While listening we're judging and forming opinions quickly
We jump to conclusions when listening to people
This ends up just creating more divide again
No one appreciates the experience of being judged.
Takeaway: Let them speak fully - listen fully. Give them time to express how they truly feel.
We generally listen short and make a long opinion.
Rather than listening for a long time and making an opinion after that
You're entitled to assumptions and opinions, but it's so important to let someone give us their full story before we make these opinions.
Otherwise, we're not listening, we're distracting ourselves from what their trying to share.